


Before Her

by retrospecs1



Series: What is Love? [1]
Category: Warrior Nun (TV)
Genre: Ava/Beatrice, Avatrice, Beatrice discovering herself, Emotional Baggage, F/F, Mary/Shannon - Freeform, rated M for future chapters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:40:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25928275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/retrospecs1/pseuds/retrospecs1
Summary: Beatrice is dealing with internal struggles and needs help to get out of her funk. When she reaches out for help, it doesn't end as planned and she feels that things are worse off than before.
Relationships: Sister Beatrice/Ava Silva
Series: What is Love? [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1881730
Comments: 14
Kudos: 97





	1. Thank You, Shannon

**Author's Note:**

> Italics mainly mean internal thoughts. 
> 
> Please see notes the the end!

Growing up in a conservative home that was in view of the public eye, it’s easy to understand how someone could end up this way. Closed off, cold and turning away from all forms of touch and affection. Beatrice couldn’t handle the shame or sense of failure that her parents had portrayed when not only speaking to her, but about her. She thought for one moment that she could be open and honest; it was a mistake. Seconds after the words left her lips, she was to begin packing her bags as she would leave for a Catholic boarding school in Switzerland first thing in the morning.

Beatrice thinks about that conversation often. Determined not to bring shame to her family any longer, she buried her feelings and emotions deep down with thick walls around so no one could break through. Once in a while, someone new would walk through the halls of Cat’s Cradle and she would feel something stir inside: feel the need for a double-take. She could not bring herself to lift her eyes again, to give in to this small feeling of desire or affection. Suffocated by the words _shame_ and _disappointment_ that she can still hear in her mother’s voice, followed by the word _unnatural_ echoed by her father. These days would be the worst for the Sister Warrior.

Life at Cat’s Cradle began to shift when Sister Shannon fell into the role of Warrior Nun. She was prepared for the Halo to become a part of her, knew where her journey would end and was accepting of this. Shannon knew how to enjoy life, and this was something that was always admired by Beatrice. The Warrior Nun would play pranks on the team, and would laugh hours on end with everyone, seeming especially connected to Mary.

A key element of training at the OCS involved one main teaching: only God can judge. This helped the sisters feel confident in their decisions, knowing that God was guiding them, as during missions anything could happen. Beatrice took solace in this teaching, because she knew she had flaws regarding thoughts other than those she dealt with during missions.

After years of torment, Sister Beatrice felt as though she was beginning to reach her breaking point. Feeling inadequate in controlling her thoughts, hearing the words of her parents echoing in her mind: _shame, disappointment, unnatural, lesbian_. The last word was an abnormal addition. For years, Beatrice tried to shove that word from her vocabulary; but today it crawled it’s way back into her mind, a place Beatrice felt it was unwelcome.

She found herself in silent tears moving toward the Halo Bearer’s quarters with nothing but her sleep shorts and a t-shirt on, silently praying that this would be a private commute. Sister Shannon was someone that Beatrice trusted an knew should would be able to help her come to terms with her overwhelming emotions or smack her out of it. Beatrice needed something, but didn’t know what. Knocking on the door a couple times with no answer, Beatrice let out a faint plea for help, “Shannon, please. I just need to talk for a minute. I need someone.”

After leaning against the door for a moment and deciding she was not there, Beatrice started a slow trek back to her room and knew this was a sign to continue keeping everything to herself. To keep the dam built.

“Beatrice?” The voice of the Halo Bearer made the sister stop in her tracks. She could hear the softness in her voice, anticipating the vulnerability that hung in the air.

Turning slowly with her gaze to the floor, Beatrice simply queued, “Can I come in? I just want to talk for a minute.” A swift response, “Of course,” from Shannon helped Beatrice feel at more at ease bothering her leader at such a late hour.

Once through the threshold into Shannon’s room, Beatrice looked up and was shocked by seeing someone sitting in the Halo Bearer’s desk chair already. Mary was still in her training gear and stood quickly once Beatrice made eye contact with her.

“Oh Beatrice,” Mary said with such sorrow in her voice, knowing that something truly had to be upsetting the sister to be here in her pajamas with tears streaming down her cheeks. Mary was rougher than the other sisters, but she put a hand on Beatrice’s shoulder relaying to the younger girl everything Mary couldn’t find the words for.

After locking eyes with Beatrice for a moment, Mary dropped her hand from the girl’s shoulder saying, “I’m going to go now. After all it is late.”

It was so quick and comfortable that Beatrice almost missed it. Mary and Shannon’s hands connected for just a few seconds while they looked into one another’s eyes. With a gentle squeeze they dropped each other’s hands and Mary left silently.

 _What was that?_ Beatrice thought to herself, the words of her parents coming again to her mind’s forefront. Shannon noticed the younger girl’s glance in her direction and started speaking before Beatrice could say anything.

“You have to know by now, you all do.” Shannon started, tucking her blonde hair behind her ear after wrapping a robe around herself. “It was meant to be, there was no stopping the two of us being together.”

 _Wait. Together? Shannon and Mary? I know Mary hadn’t taken her vows, but Shannon. The Halo Bearer. With another woman. How? This goes against everything I know. I mean, only God can judge us. But I don’t understand…shame, disappointment, unnatural._ Beatrice was coaxed out of her thoughts by a gentle hand on her shoulder, guiding her to take a seat on the bed.

Sitting next to Shannon on the bed, Beatrice’s brain was working in overdrive: flustered from feeling overwhelmed with emotion while trying to analyze the situation at hand. She was trying in to take all the details of this new information and put it in terms of the hate she’d experienced in the past. Only one work fell from Beatrice’s mouth before she broke down, “Mistake.”

Shannon knew this girl, trusted her, and knew the younger girl trusted her too. Although she knew Beatrice was not one to touch someone unless they were in combat, the Warrior Nun wrapped Beatrice into her arms. Arms tight to her chest, Beatrice was wrecked with sobs, overcome with the weight of everything. She can hear the words of her parents ring through, but they are starting to clear as Beatrice begins to find her voice.

“Years ago, I made a mistake and my life changed forever,” Beatrice chokes out the story as clear as she can. “I told my parents about my feelings, trying to be honest with them. They chastised me, saying I was _a shame, a disappointment, unnatural, a…”_ She couldn’t bring herself to say the last word. “I shouldn’t have said anything then, and I shouldn’t say anything now. I just don’t know if I can go on like this.” She moves to a sitting position on the bed next to Shannon, feeling exceptionally vulnerable.

“Beatrice, you know you are loved by all of us. Me, Mary, all of the sisters –“ Shannon begins before Beatrice interjects with a sad whisper – 

“But you all don’t even know me.” Gazing down at her battle worn hands, unable to look at her mentor. “Not the real me who sits in my room alone at night, pushing down feelings I’ve had for years. Feeling inadequate as the backlash from my parents sears insults of hate into my mind over and over again.”

The tears are slowing as Beatrice regains her breathing, feeling a weight begin to lift off of her chest. She knows that her secret is safe with Sister Shannon, and knowing she has one confidant gives her slight relief.

“You are not a shame. You are not a disappointment. What you feel is not unnatural.” Shannon forces Beatrice to look at her at an arm’s length, forcing her to hear these words. “We do know you. We are your family. Your sisters and I see you day-in and day-out, training, studying, teaching. We see how you care for us, through these activities.

“Beatrice – what you are feeling can be crushing. Remember, this is only a piece of you. A part of what makes you who you are. And I can tell you now, you are loved. Everything your parents said about you is wrong. It was hate, fueled by those who do not understand the love of God the way we do. Remember our teachings, 1 Corinthians 13:13.”

Beatrice remembers – _And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love._

Optimism begins to fill Beatrice. _Maybe my parents were wrong all those years. God is love, right? He wouldn’t stop me from loving anyone, including myself._

Sister Shannon can see Beatrice thinking and consuming everything that she’s saying. The Warrior Nun continues, “You know, I was conflicted for a long time too. We made a vow to God, and I am reminded of that daily. Every day when I see you all train, knowing that we are fighting in this Holy War, I can’t help but feel love and the importance of my vows. I will never leave our faith, but I think of Mary and am certain that this life with her was the one God intended us to live.

“We challenge each other and help one another become the best version of ourselves. Beatrice – the love Mary and I share is unlike any love I’ve ever known.”

Shannon flashes one of her famous smiles and laughs to herself saying, “Mary says this line: ‘ _All is fair in love and war, Babe.’_ Not sure where that’s from, but she’s right. God is trusting us in the Holy War, and I’m sure he trusts us to love. Now we need to be sure we love: not just others, but also ourselves.”

With this note, the Halo Bearer puts both hands on the younger girl’s shoulders while keeping her at an arm’s length to properly read her reactions to everything that was said.

Comprehension flows over Beatrice and she feels as though she has been doused by warm water. It is a mix of feeling loved and completely seen for the first time, possibly ever, and it causes a smile to cross Beatrice’s face.

“That’s what I’m looking for.” Shannon muses while she gives her sister one more hug.

“Thank you, Sister. For everything,” Beatrice states as she releases Shannon and begins pulling herself together.

Shannon looks onto her sister with love and admiration, “Of course, you know I love you and will always protect you. That includes the mission tomorrow. Are you ready?”

Sensing the shift, Beatrice responds, “Yes, we are well prepared. I believe it is Camilla’s first mission, but she has trained hard and we are confident of success.”

A knowing smile from Shannon greeted this information easily along with a slight nod saying, “Naturally, I trust my team.”

As Beatrice left Shannon’s room, the Warrior Nun concluded at a whisper, “you know another thing Mary would say: _‘Fuck your ignorant parents.’_ ”

Beatrice was shocked by this comment at first, but then started to laugh knowing that that was true. _My parents are ignorant, and they’re wrong for making me feel that God wouldn’t love me._

 _I am not a mistake. I am loved for who I am._ Beatrice has a trace of a smile on her as she walks back to her room, running her fingers along the walls as if feeling the stones for the first time.

Once back in her room, Beatrice begins a new mantra – removing the hate filled line of _shame, disappointment, unnatural_ – and replacing it with _confident, caring, and loved_. Though her face is still swollen from the tears of sorrow shed with the Warrior Nun, she can feel tears running down her face as she lies in bed, sprawled out over the covers. But these tears are different, they are tears of joy as she feels a weight has been lifted off of her chest after it’s been settled there for years.

_So, I’m not going to go looking for love. But I will stop chastising myself for second glances. Obviously, nothing will happen anyway. I don’t have consistent contact with anyone new, and I do still have my vows to consider._

Beatrice finally drifted off to sleep, knowing she’d been seen by someone and was still loved.

Less than 24 hours later – everything changed...


	2. A New Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a thoughtful conversation with Shannon, Beatrice begins to accept herself. In their next mission, things go horribly wrong. Is it her fault? How can she push past something so terrible?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Italics mainly mean internal thoughts.

Looking at her reflection in the mirror, all Beatrice can manage to think – _What now?_ Draped in her tactical gear, covered in blood and grime, she begins disrobing while remembering the events that took place earlier in the day.

_***16 hours earlier***_

Beatrice woke with a trace of a smile on her face. She did not stir once through the night, which was abnormal for her as she would usually toss and turn on the nights she could not clear her parents words from her mind. At this quick thought, Beatrice forced herself to recite her new mantra – _confident, caring and loved._ Thinking of that final word made her smile grow wide as she finally felt the love of a family that she had been craving all those years.

She threw her hair into a messy bun, heading to the bathroom in her pajamas to conduct her morning routine. As she looked in the mirror, brushing her teeth, she couldn’t help but think of how foolish she had been not to see this love before. She thought of herself as in outcast, but in all reality she was always loved: as a sister, as a friend. Wryly shaking her head at herself, the Sister Warrior says aloud, “You should have known.”

“You should have known what?” chirped a bright voice walking through the bathroom door.

Jumping slightly, Beatrice turned to face Sister Camila who was all smiles this morning, just like every morning. After her walls were beginning to melt the previous night, Beatrice could feel them rising with urgency before responding to Camila.

The usually composed Beatrice faltered, “Oh, good morning Sister Camila. You are awake earlier than usual today,” trying to act as though her heart wasn’t racing while spitting out her toothpaste.

“Yes, I am very excited for my first mission tonight. You all make it sound like a routine mission, but I have a feeling this one will be special. Not sure if it’s because it’s my first mission or not, but I am ready!” Camila was having trouble containing her excitement as she uncapped her toothpaste and began brushing.

Beatrice could tell the younger girl was doing her best to remain professional and responded to her earnestly, “Your first mission is always memorable. Just keep a level head and everything should go as planned.”

“Thank you Sister Beatrice,” Camila countered with a slight nod as Beatrice began walking out of the bathroom. As she spat out her toothpaste she remembered, “Oh yeah! Earlier you said ‘ _I should have known’_. What we you talking about?”

Beatrice stopped walking and thought for a moment, trying to think of a logical answer without saying what was truly on her mind. Without looking at the sister, Beatrice made a quick gesture over her shoulder and said, “I couldn’t get any hot water this morning. I should have known it wasn’t working.”

She could sense the confusion of the younger girl, noticing that she was preparing to wash her face with water already pooled in her hands. Instead of more discussion, Beatrice decided that her best course of action would be to flee the scene so Camila could not ask anymore questions. As she quickened her pace out with the door swinging shut behind her, she could hear her sister say, “Hmm, the water is warm for me. Maybe…” her voice fading away as Beatrice fled.

_That was close,_ Beatrice thought as she leaned against the inside of her bedroom door, her heart still racing from… _from what? Why is my heart beating like this? All I had to tell Camila was ‘I know I’m loved.’ That’s a normal thing to say, isn’t it? It’s not like I’m coming out, telling her I’m a…_ She still can’t bring herself to say it internally.

Rolling her eyes at how ridiculous she is being, she takes off her shorts and t-shirt and begins the arduous process of layering up in her training gear. Even though they have a mission that night, it’s important to keep a routine. For years Beatrice has been following the same routine, day-in and day-out, mission days are not any different.

Before walking out the door to breakfast, Beatrice sits on the bed and forces herself to regain her composure as she remembers her conversation with Shannon from the night before – _I am loved for who I am. I do not need to be ashamed any longer. Confident, caring, loved._ With that final thought she stands and crosses the room to the door, opening it with a new found love for herself that she’s determined to share with her friends: her family.

Feeling lighter than she had in ages, she searches for Shannon in the dining hall to give her thanks for the conversation the previous night. Once she locked eyes with the Warrior Nun, Mary by her side, she knew a smile was apparent as her sister waved her over.

Beatrice walked around Shannon and laid a hand on her shoulder for just a moment, giving it a gentle squeeze. Shannon did not miss a beat, placing her hand on top of Beatrice’s to return the sentiment. This was a feeling that was new to Beatrice, she felt caring and love in this small action. _Is this what I’ve been missing out on?_ She thought as she sat across from the two older women.

_All these years I’ve been depriving myself of all touch, but touch can mean things other than desire. These are actions I can share with my sisters, with the intentions as simple as caring for them._ Smiling to herself, Beatrice draws her eyes up to the Halo Bearer and says, “Thank you, Sister.” She hopes that Shannon understands fully what their conversation meant to her, and that is the reason for her gratitude.

The smile of comprehension and contentment on Shannon’s face as she states, “Of course, Sister,” let’s Beatrice know that she understands the sentiment.

With raised eyebrows, Mary states, “I’m not sure what you all talked about last night, but I’m glad you’re feeling better, Beatrice. Big mission today, and we need you on your A game,” she finishes in a serious tone.

“Oh relax, Mary,” Shannon gives Mary a slight shove that brings a smile to the shotgun wielder’s face, “everything is going to be fine. Besides, it’s Camila’s first mission today. Don’t be a downer about it,” the Warrior Nun adds as the newest member of their team takes a seat next to Beatrice.

Smiling, Camila nods in agreement as she sets down her tray and looks at her team, “Yes, today is the day! I’m excited, but Beatrice has already warned me to keep a level head. So I plan on doing just that!”

The sisters can’t help it. Camila is a ray of sunshine and they all smile as she begins to talk about what she’ll be doing prior to the mission at-hand, “In order to prepare, I will go on my morning run as usual followed by my prayers and meditation. After that, I will do some light hand-to-hand combat sessions –”

“Camila,” Beatrice says with a hand on the younger girl’s forearm, “we know your routine and know you’re prepared for the mission. No reason to worry, we trust you and know you trust us.” The two girls lock eyes and a small smile is shared between, trust shown between them. _This is love and trust,_ Beatrice thinks after removing her hand from Camila’s arm.

For some reason it helps Beatrice, learning the meaning of different physical closeness. She can feel that this is not a touch charged with desire and passion, but one that is reserved for friends and family: those closest to her. Although Beatrice has been to prestigious schools and through rigorous studies, she realizes that this is something that cannot be taught by a professor; it is something that one needs to experience in-person. She begins to analyze interactions so she can understand their meaning.

After being closed off to the idea of touching others for so long, she begins to look at those around her to understand ways one can engage with others in this way. Seeing the way Shannon rests her hand on Mary’s thigh, Shannon laughing as she is talking nonsense with Camila, but Mary only has eyes for the Halo Bearer. Somehow Beatrice did not notice this until today. _Was I depriving myself of noticing any actions of love?_ She thinks to herself.

Watching the way Mary looks onto the Warrior Nun’s features with a small smile on her face, still listening to her musings, but totally in awe of her. Mary tucks a strand of blonde hair behind Shannon’s ear asking, “Shan, do you want me to braid this for you?”

Shannon often wore her long hair in a French braid as to keep it out of the way, “Please do,” she responds to Mary with a quick smile accompanied by a wink.

Beatrice watches as Mary gently combs through Shannon’s hair with her fingers, Shannon leaning back into her touch, and begins the time-consuming process of the French braid. _I’ve never seen Mary braid anyone else’s hair. This is an act of love that they share. Wow, it’s beautiful._

“Beatrice?” A sharp voice cuts through her inner thoughts and she looks up to see Lilith staring down at her. “Are you ready for our morning run yet?”

Pulling herself from her thoughts, a quick answer falls from her, “Yes, Sister Lilith. I am ready to go.” Realizing she never ate breakfast, she set off to the pantry and grabbed an apple. Taking only a few bites before setting it down, she still felt full. Full of hope and opportunity for a new life, one that involved physical closeness of those she loved.

As she pat Lilith on the back and said, “Race you to the bottom?” Beatrice saw a look of confusion cross Lilith’s face as she turned and attempted to look at the spot on her back that had been touched by Beatrice. _Hmm, maybe this will be harder than I thought…_

***

As soon as they got out of the van, the mission went awry. It was supposed to be a routine pickup of divinium on the docks so the Order could expand their armory. As the team started down the docks, Shannon was the first to notice that something wasn’t right. A quick rundown of the area by Sister Camila had not shown any signs of impostors, so they made their way into the cargo hold that housed the divinium.

While leaving the ship, the OCS team was ambushed. The women could hold their own in hand-to-hand combat, but the men who were attacking them all had guns pointing directly at them from ten or more feet out. Looking to their leader for guidance, the Sister Warriors pulled out their guns and readied for the charge.

“I’ll get the divinium to the van,” Sister Shannon yelled to her team, “you all cover me and stay safe.”

As the team was preparing for gun fire, they heard an explosion come from behind them. Mary was the first to turn and see that the shipment of divinum had exploded sending shards into the body of her Warrior Nun, her Shannon.

Beatrice could hear the dissolve in Mary’s battle cry as the shotgun wielder went on a shooting spree against all the men in range of her. After a couple of the assassins fell, the shock began to leave their faces and a battle began to ensue. 

Shannon was still alive, but they needed to get her to a surgeon if there was a chance of survival. Beatrice jumped into action, telling Lilith to get the surgeon and have Camila get the van so they could head to the nearest mortuary where they had a safe room prepared.

“Mary, grab her shoulders. I’ll get her feet,” Beatrice says with urgency to the older woman. “MARY, come on. We have to go!”

Finally, Beatrice’s words got through to Mary. As they carry Shannon to the van, Beatrice can hear whispered words flowing between Mary and the Halo Bearer. Knowing these are probably words meant to be intimate, Beatrice chose not to listen.

“Drive faster,” Mary pleads with Camila. “They’re following us and we’re running out of time.”

Camila tries to keep her composure, “We are less than two minutes out.”

“Well done, Camila. We need to be prepared for transport.” Beatrice still commanding the situation as the Warrior Nun is doing her best to maintain steady breathing. “Camila, you’ll need to cover us as we go in. Lilith, you need to get the surgeon into the safe room. Mary, you and I will get Shannon into the safe room and the surgeon will be right behind us.”

Mary slowly nods, not daring to take her eyes off of Shannon. “Hold on, just hold on.” The light pleading coming from Mary is coming through broken, as though Mary is trying to hold back tears.

Once at the mortuary, the team jumps into action with their specific tasks. Beatrice and Mary delicately carry the Halo Bearer through the building and into the safe room. They hear gunshots instantly. Thankfully, Lilith enters the room with the surgeon. There’s a look in her eye that Beatrice is unable to place, but that will have to be analyzed later.

The surgeon looks onto the Halo Bearer, giving the grave news that the divinium shrapnel had lodged itself into her internal organs. An operation to remove the shrapnel would kill Shannon.

Beatrice saw the fear in Mary’s eyes, shining with tears. Even with Mary’s pleading, there was nothing the surgeon could do. Mary pleads with Beatrice, looking for confirmation that they’ve come back from worse. As much as Beatrice doesn’t want to, she has to shake her head. This is the worst they’ve seen together.

With a soft look in her eye, Shannon forces Mary to take the necklace she’d been wearing every day for the past few months. Then Mary, finally concedes, “In this life or the next,” unable to hold back her tears.

It was time and Lilith was ready. _Maybe that was the look she gave, eagerness at becoming the Halo Bearer?_ There was no time to focus on this now. Camila needed help outside if they were to keep the situation under control.

Beatrice stepped over the Halo Bearer’s face and gave her a swift kiss on the forehead, “I’ll miss you, Sister,” and ran out of the room. As they rolled Shannon over, Beatrice left the room to help protect her sisters still inside.

Only 15 minutes later, Beatrice found out that Lilith would not be the next Halo Bearer, nor would anyone in the order. Once the assailants had cleared out, it was relayed that the Halo had been lost. Not just lost, but put into a non-believer who could be wandering the streets. _Who was this girl and how could she be alive?_ Beatrice could hardly keep it together for her team now, but they were counting on her. She would have to bury her feelings for at least a little while longer.

*** _Present_ ***

Standing in the shower, letting the cool water run over her, Beatrice confronts what happened and how she is to blame. _If I hadn’t told Sister Shannon anything, none of this would have happened. Am I being punished? Fine. Bring harm to me, but losing my sister…it’s too much to withstand. Seeing Mary, broken, over Shannon’s deteriorating body – it was so hard to watch. I can’t imagine how Mary is feeling now._

_God, please forgive me,_ Beatrice begins pleading with Him. _If it is your will that I do not tell another soul about my feelings, then I shall not. Please do not bring this pain to anyone else. This is pain that I alone can bear. The pain that brought me to the OCS, is the pain that can remain within me as to not bring harm to my family._ Tears are falling freely now, Beatrice defaulting back to the phrase her parents had instilled in her long ago.

Beatrice turns off the water and gets out of the shower, realizing she’d been in there almost 20 minutes. As she makes her way to her room, she recovers that since of dread and sorrow that had previously consumed her. For 12 hours, she felt free. Now, she was alone again. Back to the old, hateful mantra and no one to help her clear this mindset: _shame, disappointment, unnatural._

Walking back to her room and putting on her pajamas, she doesn’t even feel present. It’s as if she’s on auto-pilot without any control over her body. Before she knows it, she is falling into her bed.

As she lay curled into a ball on her bed and forcing emotion out, she chides, _I will have to pour myself into training and find the Halo. Nothing else matters now, I will bring the Halo back to the OCS. I will do whatever it takes,_ “For Shannon,” Beatrice says aloud in her renewed vow to her fallen Sister, mentor and friend.

_Shannon._ Saying the name aloud forces Beatrice to recall the conversation with her mentor just over 24 hours ago, “you are loved.”

Riddled with emotion, Beatrice knows that Shannon would say it’s not her fault. _Life is a journey that ends in death, a journey all will complete._

With her knees still tight to her chest, Beatrice speaks to Shannon now, _I’m sorry that you are not here. I’m sorry for Mary’s loss, and selfishly I’m sorry for my loss of you: my only confidant. I do not know how to love myself, and I do not know how to show my love to others. I want to be true to who I am but do not know how. I had so many questions left to ask, and now you’re gone. Gone._

Thinking of Shannon’s death also makes Beatrice think of her sister’s life. Although short, it was full. _Your life was full of laughter and love. This is what I want, with our sisters and more. Even though I feel alone, I know I am not. Thank you for telling me I am loved. I will hold that close in my heart, always._ With these words, her grip on her knees begins to loosen and she can feel her muscles begin to relax.

Thinking of the swift kiss on the Warrior Nun’s forehead earlier that night, Beatrice remembers saying “I’ll miss you sister,” but knows that the forehead kiss while looking Sister Shannon in the eyes one last time said, “I love you.” For this Beatrice is grateful, Shannon knew how much she meant to the younger girl. This is the physical bond she longs to have with her sisters, one that can portray love and other emotions without words – especially since Beatrice has difficulties articulating her feelings.

Though Shannon is gone, Beatrice decides that she cannot go back to the way she was. She will continue down this path of self-discovery. It may be arduous and take time, but she will figure it out, speaking to Shannon for guidance whenever she needs: hopefully she will be listening from up there.

_Please, Shannon. Help me figure this out and not let me make a fool of myself._ With that, Beatrice closed her eyes and was able to find a peace that came from within, slipping slowly into a deep sleep.

Days later, Beatrice makes eye contact the new Halo Bearer. It’s almost as if Shannon – or God – heard her silent prayers that lonely night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought this chapter was going to be shorter, but then I thought I'd talk a little more about Shannon since I think she'd be a great person and Warrior Nun.
> 
> Should be moving towards what happened - or didn't happen - in the series next.
> 
> Thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> I plan on making this a series, but we'll see. Should end up to be at least a few chapters. I've never written anything before, but this all just wound it's way through my fingers and onto the computer! Let me know what you think!
> 
> Hopefully, I'll get through Beatrice/Ava's feelings during the show quickly so I can start on what happens after ;)  
> Next chapter should be up soon: probably going to be a little shorter. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


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